An Embrace Of The Almighty Pt.1

I sat down at my computer last night with every intention of writing another blog post, but I just couldn't seem to find the right words. After trying for what seemed like forever, I finally decided it was time to close the laptop and get some rest. I'll admit, I felt somewhat defeated. I just really felt like the topic I had chosen to write about was the one God had decided on for me. I simply couldn't understand why He would give me the idea, but not the words to execute it. I didn't understand, that is, until tonight.

I'll give you a little bit of background information before I tell you about my incredible evening.

These past few months, I have suffered through an absolutely exhausting spiritual struggle. I don't like to admit it out loud, but I have been at points so low that I questioned the very existence of the God that has held my life together from the beginning. I have been encouraged by some amazing people who assured me that God always has a plan. And that no matter how off track things seem to be going, everything is always going according to that plan. I've experienced things that should have taken every ounce of doubt and worry away. But that's what I do. I'm a worrier. That's my weak point, and I let the devil learn how to play on that.
 I want you all to understand the severity of this problem so that you can understand the immensity of tonight's blessing. This spiritual struggle has caused me to lose numerous nights worth of sleep, cry countless tears, and has even caused panic attacks so severe that I couldn't even sit through a church service without feeling like the world was closing in around me. I did, however, finally manage to get the panic attacks under control, and I've been doing pretty well for the past little while.
Tonight, however, as I was getting ready to go to a small group that my roommate and I used to regularly attend, I couldn't handle ignoring it any longer. I fell to my knees in the living room and, with tears in my eyes, I prayed. I told God that I just couldn't handle living life like this anymore. I told Him how overwhelmed I've been and how I couldn't take anymore of the constant struggle. I told Him how exhausted I had become. And finally, with a tired spirit and a tired heart, I asked God to "just hold me." I repeated those words over and over waiting for a feeling of peace, but it didn't come. So I returned to my feet, feeling defeated, gathered my things, and walked out the door.

Now comes the really amazing part...

When I walked into my small group tonight, we began with prayer requests. The group leader asked if anyone had any requests and, of course, there were many. I kept quiet, though, because I didn't know how to express mine without feeling ashamed. After almost everyone else had given their requests, the group leader, J.R, asked again if anyone else had anything they would like to be prayed for. I again, kept silent....Until he mentioned that he just really felt like there was someone in the group who had something weighing heavily on their heart. I finally spoke up and mentioned that I had a personal request that was causing my life to feel like a giant hurricane. He quietly smiled and suggested that they all gather around me to pray. This was wonderful enough for me, but the truly incredible part came when J.R began praying. He said, "God, I just keep hearing the word 'embrace' over and over..." Truth be told, that was about all I heard of his prayer. But that was all that I really needed to hear.

God heard me tonight. He heard me asking to be held, to be embraced, and that is exactly what He gave me. He gave me an embrace so warm and so loving that it brought tears to my eyes that I couldn't contain. Though this story may seem like something you might hear on a regular basis from Christians, it is unlike anything I have ever experienced. It's also something that you cannot truly understand until you have experienced it yourself. Tonight was my proof that God is with me, and that He actually hears the prayers that I sometimes feel are just bouncing right off the ceiling. It's so hard to contain my joy, because God wiped away months of anxiety with a single word. Embrace.